The day which will be remembered as “The day I found out that hubby is a compulsive shopper”

image1652664288.jpgLast Sunday, we went to our dear daughter’s pedia for her monthly vaccine. She was given a shot for pneumococcal conjugate vaccine, 7-valent (pcv-7) which costs a whopping 3500 for one shot. I actually didn’t know vaccines can cost that much…but all the best for my little bubs.

Anyway, after her immunization we went to my in-laws to drop off Adriana since the plan was for me and hubby to watch Harry Potter. Unfortunately, due to my insane annoyance of crowd, we decided that it will be much better to watch the movie after a few weeks and to just “window shop” instead.

We saw some play gym and realized that our bubs need something to look at and play with so we decided to buy one. The hospitable sales lady gave as a basket and the supposedly window shopping experience turned out to be a shopping spree. Hubby decided to purchase 6k worth of things since SM has this 0% installment for 6months for metrobank users. I swear, those credit cards are really the devil’s tool to drag us all to bankruptcy.

Anyway, for bubs, we decided to buy a carrier (our pedia suggested that we purchase that because I have scoliosis and our little tyke weighs a ton already!) {this is an exaggeration}, set of pajamas, panties (because it’s never too early to teach her the importance of wearing cute underwear), and 2 bath towels (because 7 towels are not enough for 2 grown ups and a baby!). The rest were spent on a small xmas tree and toiletries. My plan was to spend the rest on body scrubs and body wash (these used to be my kryptonites) but as hubby smugly point out – “di ka naman nakakaligo ng lagpas sa 10 minuto”, so I decided to buy dove bars and shampoos instead (and spent the next hour dying inside).

We also bought a playtex bottle which is BPA free. I was actually shocked to find out that the bottles that we’re using has BPA. It’s in my short term goal to eliminate all her bottles with BPA after a a month. I know most moms will go ballistic upon hearing what I just said and will comment on changing all my bubs bottles ASAP but to be honest we cant do it right away. Her BPA-free bottle costs P499 each (the bottles that she’s using which we thought were BPA-free was P300 each! She has 9 bottles) and to be able to change all her bottles in one go means we wont eat for a month. I sound like the pity-party organizer here but really, life is hard and my hubby doesn’t shit cash. As I’ve found out, bottles with BPA will be harmful to the baby once the bottles are being boiled. Me and hubby are still thinking of ways to do what’s good and right regarding those pesky BPA bottles so stay tuned for that. (How I wish I can fully breastfeed bubs from now on 😦 )

This BPA issue made me do some researching regarding new breastpumps (the one I have has BPA). For the longest time I’m leaning into Avent Isis but I was shocked to find out that although the Avent pump is BPA-free, some of their bottles are not. Westerner babies doesn’t need to worry about their Avent bottles having BPA because their government already banned the selling and production while those being sold here are old stocks with BPA. So yeah, I need to add that to my short term goal – hopefully I can accomplish this after a month or so.

Anyway, I’m actually considering buying medela electric pumps. They cost 30k here in the Philippines but I saw the same item at Amazon for $255. it’s really true – everything costs 10x more here in the Philippines. 😦

My bubs is having an issue this week. She doesn’t like to drink my milk so I have no choice but to feed her formula. I wasn’t able to pump my milk because I already dispose my pump because of that BPA stuff. I think shelling out $255 for a pump is a good investment although I read some reviews that some moms developed mastitis while using an electric pump so they recommend manual pump instead. However, I already tried using a manual pump and it took me an hour to collect 4oz of milk in one breast and for the milk supply to continue (eventhough I dont nurse as often as I should – totally not my intention!) I need to pump my milk every 2 to 3 hours. I just hope the Medela pump wont disappoint.

Posted in breastfeeding, daily pic, i am deeply in love with my princess, mommyhood, vaccines | Leave a comment

thought of the day

Strerchmarks will lighten and fade in time and tummy pouch may or may not flatten but the time you spent worrying about them will never be recovered. You can never bring back time so might as well forget about those pregnancy scars and enjoy your day with your child. You are beautiful.

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Love the skin you’re in

It’s funny how some women tend to judge themselves (myself included) especially their bodies after pregnancy. In fact, no matter how confident I am, there are still times that I still see my stretchmarks, tummy pouch, CS scar and the excess 15lbs weight gross. 

Yesterday, I learned that a good friend of mine lost her baby because of complications at birth. Learning what happened to her made me ashamed of myself for being too vain. 

It made me realize that the stretchmarks that I find disgusting will be a reminder for her that her angel grew inside of her. The tummy pouch that I loathe will remind her that it’s where her baby grew. The CS scar that I wished I never had is a proof that she had baby and the extra weight she’s carrying is a proof that she nourished her baby for 9months.

It made me think twice about the things I should be thankful for and the petty things that dampen my day. The things that I find ugly are the things that she will treasure most and that’s reason enough to make me feel ashamed of what I’m expecting from my body.  

So moms out there remember this: dont be too harsh on yourselves because of what the pregnancy did to your body. Remember the purpose and the reasons why it happened – your baby. We gave life to the most wonderful gift we can receive and it’s enough to make us love all our flaws more – stretchmarks and all.

I hope we can also include my friends little angel in our prayers.  

Posted in i messed up!, mommyhood, my whines are non-stop, on certain issues | 2 Comments

Random musings of a depressed mother

My baby hates my guts. Seriously, she does.

There are times that I think she likes me a bit but those times are being overshadowed by the fact that she cries her lungs out everytime I carry her or sooth her to sleep.

I don’t know if it has to do with being so bored of my face/smell/sound since I am her main and only care giver when hubby is at work.

There are times that she likes me and sleeps easily when I carry her but you can count those times through your fingers. Last week is a bliss for me since she prefers my company over my husband but this week is hell (again) since she realized that she hates it when I hold her.

What’s depressing is that she won’t stop crying when I hold her. Today she woke up at 3am and didn’t sleep until 2pm – she fell asleep crying and sobbing and there’s nothing I can do to stop her from hating me. I feel like I have no choice so I had to lay her down to bed and let her cry until she feels tired and sleepy – and that scene breaks my heart to million tiny pieces. Her every cries is like a stab in my heart. A realization hit me today – It’s a sad day when I have no choice but to let her cry and sleep it off and I think new mothers like me should not have that experience at all. It’s a heavy burden, that experience. Too painful to carry all by myself.

I’m not sure if I’m having postpartum or maybe these are just baby blues but sometimes I’m borderline insane, thinking that I hate her too since she hates me anyway and that I don’t want to see her ever again because I don’t want to have my heart broken again and again and again…

Sometimes when I look at her sleeping, calm face I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the mother that she’s expecting.

I love her eventhough she hates me – Is what I’m feeling called unconditional love?

I wish I can get over all the hurt and just be numb so I can function well.

It’s not easy being a (stay at home) mother. You really wear your heart out to be broken, most times by our own heart – your child.

Posted in mommyhood, my whines are non-stop, on certain issues | 5 Comments

Stop and Breathe

I never really like children in general – there I said it. Before calling me a monster to my face please hear me out.

I don’t like kids not only because I’m neurotic like that but also because I don’t really know how to handle screaming, kicking, tantrums and over all brattiness of those little banshees.

My long standing not-liking-relationship with kids ended when me and my husband decided that it’s time for us to have one of our own. (what am I thinking? hehe just kidding) I guess it’s the mother instinct inside of me that told me that my kid will be different, but yeah, when I saw my baby for the first time, I know I’m in love with her already… and that the things that I hate most will bite me in the ass starting that day.

I’m never an expert on things kid-related because seriously, I used to not like them right? so why bother knowing stuffs to make them stop? This is because as a mother of a 2 month old banshee…er, girl, I am now experiencing first hand the horror (or excitement, really) of the wild wailing and screaming and kicking of a child. And she’s not even a toddler yet.

So yeah, for new moms out there, here are some tips on how to survive the day.

1. Stop and breathe. Seriously, we need to breathe. Nothing will ever happen if we scream back at them. They have their excuse – their kids. We’re adults. (even if we don’t act like one most of the time.)

2. Leave the kid in the crib, go out of the room and count to ten, or a hundred – whichever will make you calm and relaxed. You can jump rope if that will make you calm so I guess to each his own. I do this a lot cause sometimes the screaming just wont stop. It will mess with our brains and will make us want to eat our baby alive. We are not cannibals. We are civilized humans who should understand that kids will be kids no matter what. They, on the other hand might be a barbaric creature sent to torture us, but everything will be worth it once we see them smile.

3. Talk to them in a soothing voice. Eventhough they cry like wild people from outside the planet, kids will calm down once we’re calm. Let them be a banshee all they want, we don’t need to be a wild gorilla to make them stop. Scrap the idea that we are the boss – we’re not, we are parents not the alpha male/female.

4. No matter what happens, stay sane. Sometimes, I’m not sure if I am sane since I’m borderline crazy to begin with, but seriously, we don’t need to act crazy to prove our point that we are tired, we need some rest, we need them to stop crying, etc. They will stop once we soothe them. Maybe their hungry, so we need to feed them. Maybe they need changing so we better check their nappies. Maybe they simply want to be cuddled so we hug them and soothe them to sleep. They don’t need to apologize for being a kid. Remember that we are kids once and our parents survived the ordeal.

5. Lastly, as an innocent, naive being who sees someone else’s kid screaming their lungs out – keep your comments to yourself. We parents don’t need some bystanders point of view on how you should handle the scenario if the kid is your own kid. We don’t care if the screaming upsets you, we parents are a hundred times more upset and tired. So please, spare us some slack and just shut up and your thing. If you still childless, pray that your kid wont act up. If you are a parent to a saint, then hallelujah! – you are lucky, you don’t need to rub it to our face.

I hope you guys learned something from what I just typed. Here’s to hoping that I won’t have to deal with a screaming, wailing banshee toddler soon.

Goodluck to all of us. 🙂

Posted in i am deeply in love with my princess, mommyhood, on certain issues | Leave a comment

The blues…

I’m not sure if I’m experiencing baby blues or postpartum or maybe I’m just tired and I want to just take a break and breathe.

Since giving birth last August, my life turned upside down. I can no longer do almost all the things that I used to do before having Adriana – reading books, sleeping soundly for long stretches of time, going out whenever I want to, eating lots of spicy foods and simply be alone in my own bubble. Not that I regret having my baby, no that’s not the case, I love her with all my heart and I adore her so much and I don’t care if I dont get to do whatever I’m bitching about now, it’s just that I’m tired. Really, really tired. And scared. And disappointed at myself. And hurt.

You see, I think my baby hates me. Seriously, I think she really hates me. I’m a stay at home mom and most of the time, it’s just the two of us. She hates it when I carry her. I don’t know if it’s the way I’m carrying her or (as my sister told me) maybe she can feel that I’m tired of carrying her that’s why she doesn’t want me to hold her. It’s making me crazy. I don’t want to see my baby scream in pain or anger, and I definitely dont want to see that it’s all because of me.

Adriana had a fever last Thursday and we only found out last Friday that she has UTI and stomatitis (singaw) and right now she’s taking antibiotics. Thank God she’s now fever-free although she’s still cranky and irritable, and what’s bothering me is that I can’t make her feel relaxed because I can’t hold her right. I’m adding to her stress and it’s stressing me out. I talked to her yesterday while crying and I’m asking her why she hates it when I carry her and she simply stares at me. What do I expect her to say?

Anyway, I tried every variations of how to carry her and she still screams like a banshee everytime. She stops when my mom or my husband holds her. Those nonstop wailing and screaming are really making me depress. She’s supposed to feel safe and relaxed everytime I hold her right?

My husband is thinking of getting household help who knows how to take care of a child but I flatly refused him. Seeing my baby calm everytime she’s with my husband is fine by me, seeing her calm with my mom makes me a bit sad, seeing her calm with my sister makes me feel inadequate, seeing her calm with my friends makes me crazy but seeing her calm in the arms of someone I’m not related to will kill me.

Ugh, I guess I just need to breathe a little bit and remember that it will take some time for her to adjust to me. I just hope it will be soon.

Posted in i am deeply in love with my princess, mommyhood, my whines are non-stop, on certain issues | 2 Comments

If Rian is a cat, this will definitely be her!

hmm… parang kaugali yata to ng anak ko ha. Pareho silang bugnutin 🙂

Posted in great finds, i am deeply in love with my princess | Leave a comment