My baby hates my guts. Seriously, she does.
There are times that I think she likes me a bit but those times are being overshadowed by the fact that she cries her lungs out everytime I carry her or sooth her to sleep.
I don’t know if it has to do with being so bored of my face/smell/sound since I am her main and only care giver when hubby is at work.
There are times that she likes me and sleeps easily when I carry her but you can count those times through your fingers. Last week is a bliss for me since she prefers my company over my husband but this week is hell (again) since she realized that she hates it when I hold her.
What’s depressing is that she won’t stop crying when I hold her. Today she woke up at 3am and didn’t sleep until 2pm – she fell asleep crying and sobbing and there’s nothing I can do to stop her from hating me. I feel like I have no choice so I had to lay her down to bed and let her cry until she feels tired and sleepy – and that scene breaks my heart to million tiny pieces. Her every cries is like a stab in my heart. A realization hit me today – It’s a sad day when I have no choice but to let her cry and sleep it off and I think new mothers like me should not have that experience at all. It’s a heavy burden, that experience. Too painful to carry all by myself.
I’m not sure if I’m having postpartum or maybe these are just baby blues but sometimes I’m borderline insane, thinking that I hate her too since she hates me anyway and that I don’t want to see her ever again because I don’t want to have my heart broken again and again and again…
Sometimes when I look at her sleeping, calm face I’m thinking that maybe I’m not the mother that she’s expecting.
I love her eventhough she hates me – Is what I’m feeling called unconditional love?
I wish I can get over all the hurt and just be numb so I can function well.
It’s not easy being a (stay at home) mother. You really wear your heart out to be broken, most times by our own heart – your child.