I’m not sure if I’m experiencing baby blues or postpartum or maybe I’m just tired and I want to just take a break and breathe.
Since giving birth last August, my life turned upside down. I can no longer do almost all the things that I used to do before having Adriana – reading books, sleeping soundly for long stretches of time, going out whenever I want to, eating lots of spicy foods and simply be alone in my own bubble. Not that I regret having my baby, no that’s not the case, I love her with all my heart and I adore her so much and I don’t care if I dont get to do whatever I’m bitching about now, it’s just that I’m tired. Really, really tired. And scared. And disappointed at myself. And hurt.
You see, I think my baby hates me. Seriously, I think she really hates me. I’m a stay at home mom and most of the time, it’s just the two of us. She hates it when I carry her. I don’t know if it’s the way I’m carrying her or (as my sister told me) maybe she can feel that I’m tired of carrying her that’s why she doesn’t want me to hold her. It’s making me crazy. I don’t want to see my baby scream in pain or anger, and I definitely dont want to see that it’s all because of me.
Adriana had a fever last Thursday and we only found out last Friday that she has UTI and stomatitis (singaw) and right now she’s taking antibiotics. Thank God she’s now fever-free although she’s still cranky and irritable, and what’s bothering me is that I can’t make her feel relaxed because I can’t hold her right. I’m adding to her stress and it’s stressing me out. I talked to her yesterday while crying and I’m asking her why she hates it when I carry her and she simply stares at me. What do I expect her to say?
Anyway, I tried every variations of how to carry her and she still screams like a banshee everytime. She stops when my mom or my husband holds her. Those nonstop wailing and screaming are really making me depress. She’s supposed to feel safe and relaxed everytime I hold her right?
My husband is thinking of getting household help who knows how to take care of a child but I flatly refused him. Seeing my baby calm everytime she’s with my husband is fine by me, seeing her calm with my mom makes me a bit sad, seeing her calm with my sister makes me feel inadequate, seeing her calm with my friends makes me crazy but seeing her calm in the arms of someone I’m not related to will kill me.
Ugh, I guess I just need to breathe a little bit and remember that it will take some time for her to adjust to me. I just hope it will be soon.